Why Advice Doesn’t Always Work (And What Your Child Really Needs Instead)
You know those moments when your child comes home frustrated?
Maybe something happened with a friend, or they’re upset about a mistake they made.
And your first instinct is to say something like:
“Well, next time, just…”
“Here’s what I would do…”
“You know what you should say to them?”
That’s advice mode.
And most of us live there, because we love our kids so much.
We want to help them feel better.
We want to give them tools.
We want to protect them from struggle.
We want to feel like we’re guiding them and sharing our valuable wisdom.
But many kids, especially as they become tweens and teens, interpret our well-meaning advice as pressure or judgment.
And then, instead of feeling supported, they shut down.
What’s Actually Going On?
When your child says, “You don’t understand,”
or “You’re not helping,”
or walks away mid-conversation…
It’s not usually because they’re being rude or dramatic.
It’s because they were looking for a different response from you.
Often, they just wanted to vent or feel heard.
They wanted to share their experience, not have you jump to solutions.
They needed you to just be with them for a moment, not immediately tell them what to do next.
Think about the last time you were upset and talked to your partner or a friend. Sometimes, you just want to get your feelings off your chest and not have the other person start offering solutions. Our kids can feel the same way.
When we jump in with advice too soon, they can feel like:
We’re not really listening.
We’re taking over.
We don’t trust that they can figure it out themselves.
Why We Fall Into the Advice Trap
It’s a very human instinct!
Giving advice feels active, like we’re doing something to help.
It can also come from a deep-down worry:
“If I don’t give them tools… how will they learn to handle this?”
Advice can feel like the main way to guide our child.
But what kids often need first is to feel understood, not told what to do.
After they feel heard, then they can start problem-solving, sometimes with your support, but in a way that still gives them a sense of ownership over the decision.
Real-Life Scenarios
Scenario 1:
Your child walks in, throws their backpack down, and says,
“My best friend was so mean to me at lunch.”
Your instinct might be:
“Just talk to her! You two have been friends forever.”
Or: “Well, maybe you said something that upset her?”
But what they really want is for you to say:
“Ugh. That sounds awful. Want to tell me what happened?”
After they’ve had a chance to talk about it, they’ll often start to figure out on their own what they want to do next. They might share a plan or ask for your help.
And if they don’t, you can gently follow up later with:
“Do you want help thinking through what to say to her tomorrow?”
If they say no, you can reply:
“Okay. I trust you to figure it out. I’m here if you want to talk more later.”
And then let it be.
Scenario 2:
Your child comes home from practice and mutters,
“I suck at soccer. I should quit.”
Your instinct might be:
“No you don’t! You just need to try harder. You’ll get there.”
But what they might need is for you to say:
“Sounds like today was rough. What made you feel that way?”
From there, just like in the first scenario, giving them space to talk can lead to problem-solving later. If they don’t bring it up again, you can check in at another time with something like:
“I know soccer matters to you. Do you want to figure out what might help, or just take a break from thinking about it for now?”
If they still don’t want to talk solutions, you can reassure them with:
Okay. I trust you to figure it out. I’m here if you want my help.”
A Simple Shift That Builds Resilience
When we stop rushing to advise and instead start by listening, we build trust.
We show our kids that we believe they’re capable.
We teach them that emotions can be felt without needing to be fixed, which also teaches them:
All feelings are safe to have, and I can handle them as your parent.
No feeling is “bad.” It’s just part of being human.
You’re okay exactly as you are.
Yes, we can guide our kids. And it works better when we don’t lead with advice.
Instead, you can start with things like:
“That sounds hard.”
“Do you want to talk about it or just have a snack and chill?”
“Let me know if you want help thinking it through.”
What This Looks Like Over Time
Even with little kids, you can begin this shift.
Instead of “Here’s what to do,” try:
“Hmm, the block tower keeps falling. What do you think we could try to make it stand up?”
As they grow, your child learns to:
Notice their feelings.
Reflect on their experiences.
Come to you when they want input, because they trust you’ll listen before jumping in.
That’s how you build their capability, confidence, and a closer relationship over time.
One Small Step to Try This Week
Next time your child shares something that happened, I want to invite you to
Pause.
Take a breath, if that helps you.
And say something that shows you’re with them, not trying to fix the situation.
Then, if it feels right, ask: “Do you want help figuring out what to do, or do you just want to talk it out?”
See what a difference this one shift can make in your relationship with your child.
Every time you pause before giving advice, you’re telling your child: “I believe in you. I trust you. I’m here for you.”
Those small moments add up to something big over time:
A stronger bond.
A child who opens up more.
A deep trust that you’re their safe place when life feels hard.
Over time, these moments become the foundation of a strong, lasting relationship where your child knows they can always count on you.
Take The Next Step
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