It Shouldn’t Be This Hard: A Kinder Way Through Power Struggles
Ever feel like your child has to push back on everything?
You say it’s time to go to bed. Suddenly, they’re "dying" of thirst.
You say it's time to leave the park. They bolt in the opposite direction.
You tell them to do their chores. They act like you just asked them to climb Everest barefoot.
It’s exhausting.
And if this is happening at your house, I want you to know right away:
> You’re not doing anything wrong.
> You’re not raising a “bad” or “defiant” kid.
> You’re not the only one feeling like you’re always on the verge of a meltdown.
Let’s talk about what’s actually going on during a power struggle, and what you can do to shift the dynamic.
Power Struggles Aren’t Really About Power
When your child refuses to listen, digs in their heels, or flat-out says “no,” it can feel like they’re being difficult on purpose. But under the surface, something else is going on.
Power struggles are often less about power and more about:
Feeling out of control
Feeling unseen or unheard
Feeling disconnected from you
And often, that’s true for you, too.
So what looks like defiance is usually a sign your child is overwhelmed, overstimulated, or unsure how to handle a situation.
Maybe they’re testing limits, because that’s how kids learn what’s okay and what’s not.
Maybe they want more independence, but don’t have the words to say so.
Maybe they’ve learned that pushing back sometimes “works.”
And on your side? You might feel disrespected or like giving in means you’ve lost your authority.
Or maybe you’re just tired and craving a moment of peace.
That tension, that push and pull, isn’t really about bedtime, leaving the park, or doing chores.
It’s about two people, both trying to feel seen, safe, and in control.
Drop the Rope
Think of a classic game of tug-of-war.
Your child pulls.
You pull harder.
They scream.
You shout.
Everyone loses.
But honestly?
Your child doesn’t want to fight with you.
And you don’t want to fight with them.
So, what would happen if you stopped pulling?
One of the most effective things you can do is drop the rope.
Not by giving in, but by stepping out of the power struggle altogether.
That might look like:
Staying calm, even when your child escalates
Offering choices instead of commands
Acknowledging their feelings before setting a limit
Letting natural consequences do the teaching
When you drop the rope, you change the whole tone of the interaction.
The goal isn’t to “win.” It’s to understand what’s behind the behavior.
Is your child tired? Frustrated? Craving control?
When you pause and respond with steadiness, you show them that you’re on their team, even when you’re holding a limit.
Here’s what that can look like in action:
> For a young child who resists getting in the car: Try, "Do you want to hop like a bunny to the car or walk backwards?"
> For a child refusing homework: Say, “It’s hard to focus when you’re tired. Want a 10-minute break first?”
You hold the boundary and help them feel understood.
> For a teen arguing about curfew: Ask, “I understand that you want to stay out later. What feels fair to you, and why?”
Ideally, you’ll come to a decision together, and even if the answer is still no, they’ll feel heard and respected.
> For a child who refuses to wear a coat: Quietly bring it along. When they get cold, they’ll learn without a fight.
> For a tween or teen who rolls their eyes or makes a snarky remark: Sometimes it’s best to let it go if you sense they’re overwhelmed. You can always circle back later when emotions have cooled.
And one more thing that can help head off a power struggle: explain the reason behind your rule or request.
Kids are less likely to push back when they understand why you’re asking something of them.
You’re Not Being Too Soft. You’re Being Smart.
I hear this fear a lot:
“If I don’t hold the line, they’ll walk all over me.”
"If I stay calm, they’ll think they can get away with anything.”
But here’s the truth:
Calm is not the same as permissive.
And kindness is not weakness.
When you model steady leadership ... when you stay grounded and choose teaching over yelling ... you’re helping your child build the skills they actually need:
Emotional regulation
Problem-solving
Cooperation
That’s what creates true respect, not fear or punishment.
And it lasts a whole lot longer.
One Parent's Journey Out Of The Daily Battles
I worked with a mom whose 6-year-old refused to put on his shoes every single morning.
Every day ended in yelling, bribery, or both. She was exhausted and overwhelmed and more than a little embarrassed.
Once we zoomed out and figured out what was really going on (it wasn’t about the shoes - this little boy was feeling overwhelmed), we made one small tweak to the morning routine. That’s it.
And the battles stopped.
No more threats. No more power struggle.
A few days later, she messaged me:
"He got his shoes on without a word this morning. We even had time to laugh."
When you understand what’s behind the behavior, you can respond in a way that actually works.
The Key Thing to Remember
Power struggles aren’t proof that your child is difficult or that you’re failing.
They’re a signal.
A moment of stress, miscommunication, or emotional overload.
But here’s the good news: These moments are also opportunities.
When you pause instead of react...
When you offer calm leadership instead of control...
When you shift out of battle mode and focus on getting through the moment together...
You’re teaching your child how to handle hard feelings and solve problems without a fight.
That’s what builds emotional intelligence.
That’s what strengthens your relationship.
That’s what creates a home that feels calmer, safer, and more connected for both of you.
Take a breath.
Take a beat.
And know that you’re not alone.
You’re doing better than you think.
One moment at a time.
Take The Next Step
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